The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever (Transcript)
Pan to Earth as seen from space. 'EARTH: TWO MILLION YEARS IN THE FUTURE' types out on screen. Fade in to a bedroom where a group of young children sit in front of Mr. Sludgy, a robotic snowman.
Mr. Sludgey (singing): So raise the shields and have some joy, 'cause Christmas time is heeere!
The children jump up and down with glee and cheer.
Child: That was great, Mr. Sludgy! Now, will you tell us the story of the most horrible Christmas ever?
Mr. Sludgy laughs.
Mr. Sludgy: No, little girl. No I won't.
A electric fizzling noise comes from inside Mr. Sludgy.
Mr. Sludgy: Wait... yes, I will! Well, it's a little hazy, but it all started 2 million years ago...
Fade in to the city 2 million years ago. It is snowing.
Mr. Sludgy (v.o.): ...with a little green nuclear mole, named Zim!
Some carolers sing within a giant snow globe. They sing the word 'blah' over and over to the tune of 'Jingle Bells.' A few people are gathered across the street, looking at something.
Mr. Sludgy (v.o.): Now, Zim hated humans more than anything!
The crowd leaves, revealing that they were standing in front of Zim, GIR, and MiniMoose. Zim wears a strange new human disguise, GIR wears his dog suit, and MiniMoose holds a collection plate on his head. Zim has a small animal stuck to his side. GIR eats snow from a pile on the ground.
Zim: Stink, stink, stink, stiiinking humaaans!!
The frame freezes and a comic panel showing Mr. Sludgy floats by.
Mr. Sludgy: But he didn't know much about Christmas now, did he?
GIR grabs the panel and eats it. The frame unfreezes.
Zim: Watch my dog eat snow! You! Watch the snow-eating!
Zim growls in frustration
Zim: The amazing snow-eating trick isn't working! The filthy horrible humans aren't giving us any Earth moneys. We need Earth moneys to appear as normal Earth-pigs. Hiiii-YA!
Zim kicks GIR into the snow.
Zim: MiniMoose!
MiniMoose squeaks.
Zim: How much have we earned?
MiniMoose squeaks again and faces towards Zim. Zim looks into the collection plate. There is a couple of bucks, some change, a sandwich, and a heart. Zim picks up the the sandwich and sniffs it.
Zim: Too-naa!?! Tuna is worth nothing!!
Zim tosses the sandwich.
Zim: Why does no one give moneys to Zim!?!
Zim hears a bell. He looks over at a donation Santa ringing the bell. People give the Santa donations.
Zim: There! That grubby red human!
Zim picks up MiniMoose and uses him as binoculars. MiniMoose's eyes become red and adjust like lenses. Zim looks at the Santa.
Zim: He's taking all my moneys!
Zim tosses MiniMoose to the side and then leaps into the air. He tackles Santa while grunting.
Zim: You! Stop stealing all the-
Zim hears another bell and gasps. Zim looks up and sees more donation Santas ringing bells.
Zim: Huh!?! Hmmm!?! Hmm!?! Oohhh!?! He's got reinforcements! They're everywhere! What are they!?!
Zim leaps back to where MiniMoose and GIR are. Zim yells, groans to himself a few times, then yells some more. GIR and MiniMoose join in. Cut to the mall at dusk. A sign hangs out front that says 'SEE SANTA NOW!' A mall Santa set-up is in the middle of the open area of the mall. A line of children wait to see Santa, with GIR (in little brother disguise) at the front of the line. Peaches stands next to the mall Santa, wearing an elf suit. GIR runs up and sits on Santa's lap.
Mall Santa: And what do you want, little boy or girl?
Santa pats GIR on the head.
GIR: I wants me a barrel of floss!
Mall Santa: Hmm mmm...
GIR: I wants me two balls of glue-
Mall Santa: Hmm mmm...
GIR: -TO BE MY FRIENDS! And I wants to go dancing NAKED!
GIR flips over onto his head.
Mall Santa: Hmm mmm...
GIR: And I wants...
Time passes. GIR is right-side up again. The mall Santa is shaking. He grunts.
GIR: And a chair made 'a cheese-
Mall Santa: Hmm mmm!
GIR: And a table made 'a cheese and a...
Mall Santa: Uuuh! No more! Get this kid away from me!
Zim (still in new human suit): My little child just loves you and I just... now, GIR!
A beeping noise is heard. GIR dives out of the way. The stomach on the suit turns into a large tube that sucks in the mall Santa. The belly button returns to normal, but the suit is made huge from the mall Santa inside. GIR collides with the suit, having almost been sucked in as well.
Zim: Let's go! Before anyone notices!
Zim grunts as he quickly waddles out of the mall with GIR on his shoulder. Cut to Zim's house, with snow on the roof. Zim (out of disguise) types into a control panel within the lab. The mall Santa is strapped onto an experimentation table. GIR (out of disguise) sits next to him, munching on candy. The mall Santa struggles to lean upwards, causing his spine to crackle. He sees Zim typing and view screens displaying Irken text, as well as MiniMoose. The mall Santa shrieks.
Mall Santa: What is that!?!
Zim glances at MiniMoose.
Zim: Oh, uh, that's MiniMoose, my, eh, OTHER sidekick, eh-hm. Yep! Been with me the whole time!
GIR: Mmmm-mm!
GIR goes back to gobbling the candy. The mall Santa reaches for some. Zim presses a button on a remote and the examination table tilts forward while MiniMoose does a barrel roll. Zim walks over to the mall Santa, using his mechanical spider legs.
Zim: No candy for you, chub-monster! Until you tell me everything you know about these red bearded men who smell of ham, and VOMIIIT!
Mall Santa: Oh... you must mean... Santa!
Zim (confused): You are... San-tah?
Mall Santa: No no, we're just Santa's helpers!
Zim: And you all report to this... San... TAAAA?
As the mall Santa talks, his eyes drift in separate directions.
Mall Santa: Well, nobody's ever seen the real Santa, but the world over loves Santa. And everyone waits with hope in their hearts for the day when he returns to his people.
Zim: Everyone!?! Hmmm... Computer! Drain the human's brain of all Santa knowledge!
A device attaches to the mall Santa's head. The mall Santa grunts as his knowledge is drained. Zim walks over to the computer screens. His mechanical spider legs retract. Santa knowledge begins to flash on the screen: a donation Santa ringing a bell, then eggnog, then a child giving a present to another child, then carolers, then the words '12 DAYS TO X-MAS.'
Zim: X-mas? Hmmmm....
Zim begins laughing evilly. A day calendar counting down to Christmas appears showing the days fly by, layered over Zim's evil laughs. The calendar stops at 2 days until Christmas. Cut to a small dog in the yard of Dib's neighbor. Gaz hangs on to the fence between the two yards holding her headless Bitey the Vampire toy. Gaz grunts. Outside of the garage, sparks fly as Dib works on repairing Tak's Spittle Runner. The sparks stop and Dib peers over at Gaz. He walks out from behind the ship.
Dib: You stare at that dog every Christmas, Gaz! Come on, already! It's creepy.
Gaz: Three Christmases ago, that dog ate the head off Bitey the Vampire! You said so yourself! I haven't forgotten.
Dib: Well, fixing an alien spaceship is hard enough without you distracting me.
Dib goes back behind the ship. Gaz groans. The sparks from working on the ship begin again.
Gaz: Besides, any moron could fix the ship faster than you.
Dib peeks his head out again.
Dib: Well...
Dib leaps out.
Dib: Can any moron do.. THIS!?!
Dib runs behind a shed while making a high-pitched squeal. He comes back dragging a huge cable with him. He plugs it into the ship, causing sparks. He presses a button. The ship begins to emit a glowing wave that pushes Dib to the ground. Suddenly, the city goes into a black-out. The sounds of car crashes and screams are heard.
Dib (o.s.): Sorry, everyone! ...Again!
Cut to Professor Membrane in the living room. The whole house is red with flashing lights. He looks at a monitor that shows a wire frame picture of the Earth with the words 'POWER OFF.' Professor Membrane pulls a lever and sparks fly. The monitor changes to say 'POWER ON.' The lights in the house return to normal.
Prof. Membrane: Power is restored to the Earth once more. It's a good thing I exist!
Professor Membrane leaps into the air and shoots a beam of energy at the door, making a hole where the door knob was. The door falls over and Dib and Gaz stand there. They walk in and the TV turns on displaying the words 'BREAKING NEWS' then 'SANTA RETURNS.'
Prof. Membrane: Oh no! Santa!
Professor Membrane shakes his fist. The TV shows a reporter on WHUH 6 News reporting live.
WHUH Anchor: Yes, Santa Claus himself has returned to his people and just in time for Christmas! Check out this footage!
Cut to footage of 'reindeer' pulling Santa's sleigh. The reindeer are robots that look more like lumpish dogs. The reindeer at the front of the pack is MiniMoose, wearing bells and a red nose. Santa is none other than Zim in a Santa suit that leaves a space open for his face. His sleigh is high-tech looking. GIR (wearing both his dog suit and an elf disguise) throws presents from a large sack while yelling. The anchor appears over the footage.
WHUH anchor: The response has been overwhelming!
The footage changes to show a citizen with braces.
Citizen: I can't believe he's back!
Cut to footage of a woman with 3 children.
Woman: My heart explodes with joy!
The sound of her heart exploding is heard. She makes a squeak and falls to the ground. Cut to footage of a crowd gathered around a stage where Presidentman gives a speech. A banner that says 'WE LUV SANTA' hangs from the stage.
WHUH anchor (v.o.): And even our Presidentman has given up his power, making room for Santa.
Presidentman: It's alllll yours, Santa!
Presidentman mounts the podium. Cut to footage of the reporter interviewing Zim on the street.
WHUH anchor: We have Santa himself in an exclusive interview! Santa, speak to us!
The WHUH anchor holds his microphone up to Zim.
Zim: People of Earth, I have returned! To reclaim my rightful place as ruler of this world! All will obey Santa in this new world order! Oh yeah! Rejoice, brothers!
Crowd: Hail Santa!
The anchor chuckles.
WHUH anchor: That sounds like a lot of fun.
Membrane turns off the TV. He squeezes the remote and begins to crush it.
Prof. Membrane: I've never trusted that jolly, fat man!
Flashback to Membrane as a child on Christmas, wearing a mini-version of the lab suit he wears as an adult. He walks over to his present.
Prof. Membrane: Oh boy! I asked Santa to bring me 12 cases of Uranium 238! Yay!
Membrane opens the present and pulls out a sock. More socks begin to spring out, then a whole stream of socks shoots into the air.
Prof. Membrane: Noo!! Santa has let me down! I will turn my back on him and devote a portion of my life to destroying Santa!
Membrane screams. The flashback ends as the socks pile up over him. Adult Professor Membrane stands up, grips his head, and runs screaming. Dib picks up the remote.
Dib: Jeez, Dad...
Dib turns the TV back on to the interview.
Zim: Oh yeahhh! And I command all you Earth monkeys to gather at the jolly Christmas rallies I'm holding all over the globe... to receive further instructions!
Dib: Earth monkeys!?! Oh no!
Zim (echoing): Oh yeahhh!
Cut to a Stadium. Searchlights shine into the sky. Zim (in Skool boy disguise) stands behind the curtains next to his Santa suit, pressing buttons on a remote. Wires are connected to the inside of the suit through the hole where Zim's face would be. GIR in his dog/elf suit stands beside Zim, sucking on a candy cane.
Zim: We don't have much time! I only hope the suit can absorb all the Santa data! This is not going to be easy, GIR!
Zim runs to the curtains and peaks through at the crowd.
Zim: Look at all those... children!
GIR pops up from behind Zim's head, waving. They go back behind the curtains.
Announcer: People of Earth! I give you... Santa Claus!
The lights in the stadium turn on.
Crowd (chanting): Santa! Santa! (over and over)
Zim's lawn gnomes, now made to look like elves, file out onto the stage. A glowing light shoots out from a hole in the center of the stage. Zim (now in the Santa suit) rises from this hole, under a cloth covering. He throws the cloth aside. The flashing of people taking pictures of Zim is seen. The crowd cheers excitedly. Zim leaps over into a huge throne. The 'santa' chanting stops. The entire crowd has there arms up in the air. A sing-along begins, with a MiniMoose as the bouncing ball that tells you what to say. The lyrics are chanted as they appear. The song is accompanied by the dancing Lawn Elves.
Bow Down
Bow Down
Before the power of Santa
Or be crushed
be crushed
By
His jolly boots of doom.
The sing-along starts from the beginning. This time the Lawn Elves don't dance and Santa just blows kisses to the crowd.
Zim: Ho ho ho! Santa has returned for all the good little boys and girls of the world... to announce a new Christmas tradition!
The crowd gasps and murmurs.
Zim: It's the yuletide "helping of Santa to build a giant teleporter capable of sending all humans to their doom"!
Zim chuckles.
Zim: My Labor Sleighs will take you to the North Pole, where you will build the teleporter!
The Labor Sleighs lower down into the stadium.
Audience member: Will being teleported to our doom be fun and Christmasey?
Zim: Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Of course it will, you hideous fool!
GIR rises out of the stage.
Crowd: Yaaaay!! Hail Santa! Hail Santa!
Some crowd members throw candy canes, which land at Santa's feet. A huge woman and a row of children stand at the edge of the stage.
Woman: Santa Master? These cute kids would love to sit on your lap and beg for presents!
A little girl runs forward.
Girl: Pweeeease, Santa? Pweeeeeeee-
The girl pauses for breath.
Girl: -eeeease?
Zim turns his head away from the crowd.
Zim: Great ghost of dooky!
Zim faces the crowd. GIR sucks on two candy canes at once.
Zim: Eh... um... Of course, filthies. Eh... Come to Santa.
GIR runs out of the way as a barrage of children fly at Zim. They cling all over him.
Zim: Ho ho ho! Ow ow ow ow ow! Ew, ew! Drool! Get off!
Electricity begins to surge through the suit.
Zim: Wait! What's happening!?!
The suit twists around.
Zim (deeper voice): What is the suit doing!?!
Zim suddenly looks happy.
Zim: Ho ho ho, children!
Zim hugs the kids.
Zim: I love you! All of you! Elves!
Some Lawn Elves pop up.
Zim: Wrap up everything I have and give it to these good people here!
The crowd cheers. The Lawn Elves grab random things from the stage and give them to the crowd. One grabs the wire connecting to a snowman with a view screen for a face that says 'OBEY,' causing the screen to go into static. Another grabs that snowman's hat. GIR walks by with a tiny Christmas tree. Some elves grab a wreath. One of the snowmen is also given to the audience. Zim suddenly regains control and stands up.
Zim: No! Give that stuff back!
Zim throws GIR, who was trying to pull out another wire.
Zim: And get off of Santa! Now!
Zim knocks all of the children off of him, sending them flying into the snow.
Zim: Get off! Get off! Get off!
Zim faces away from the crowd.
Zim: I didn't tell the suit to do any of that!
Dib (o.s.): What's the matter, Santa!?!
Zim turns around to see Dib standing on the stage.
Zim: Dib!
Dib: How do we know THIS is the real Santa!?!
Zim sits down in his throne.
Zim: Eh, of course I'm Santa! I have robot elves!
The Lawn Elves shoot lasers from their eyes up into the air.
Crowd: Ooooooh!
Crowd member: Robot elves!! Just like in the stories!
Dib: What stories had robot elves? Everyone, remember last Christmas when you thought that escaped Gorilla was Santa?
Crowd member: He wasn't!?!
That crowd member screams and slides down the shirt of another crowd member. The crowd boos and throws various things at Dib. A snowball hits Dib. He wipes away the snow. Dib leaps back right before a car lands where he was standing.
Zim: Now, now. Christmas is a time to be kind to all the boys and girls of the world. Unless their heads are filthy with lies! To the jingle jail with the non-believer!
Lawn Elves pour onto the stage and surround Dib. Dib mutters and screams.
Dib: Nooo! Noooo!!
The crowd of Lawn Elves carries him off the stage. GIR rides on top of the crowd as well.
Dib: You won't get away with this, Zim! I won't let you ruin Christmas!
Zim: Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Dib! Merry Christmas!
A large banner with the 2-eyed Irken symbol wearing a Santa hat unveils behind Zim.
Zim: Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
(commercial break)
Cut to the room with Mr. Sludgy 2 million years in the future.
Mr. Sludgy: Well, things looked bad for Dib. Zim had fooled the whole world. But he didn't know much about Christmas now, did he?
Mr. Sludgy winks.
Child (o.s.): I don't get it!
The child sits on the bed next to Mr. Sludgy.
Child: Why does he want to take over the Earth so badly? What does he have to gain, or to loose!?! And the mechanizations of this malfunctioning Santa suit completely elude me!
Mr. Sludgy just stares. He finally grabs the child by her head and sticks her under the bed.
Mr. Sludgy: As I was saying, things looked bad for Dib. Zim was already preparing for his trip to the North Pole when...
Cut to one of the Labor Sleighs preparing for take-off. Zim (in Santa suit) monitors the process on a hovering disk along with GIR (in dog-elf suit). MiniMoose (with bells and red nose) follows behind them. Lawn Elves carry machinery and parts into the Labor Sleigh.
Zim: Hurry it up! All this horrible jolliness is getting to me! You!
Zim points a candy cane at MiniMoose. MiniMoose squeaks.
Zim: Stop being jolly!
MiniMoose makes a sad squeak. The last Lawn Elf carries the jingle jail containing Dib. The jingle jail has bars made of candy canes. The Lawn Elf tosses the jingle jail onto the floor. Zim, GIR, and MiniMoose enter. The hatch of the Labor Sleigh closes and the it takes off. MiniMoose moves some levers around in the control room. In the storage room, Dib watches Zim pace around and grunts.
Dib: Hmmm... Something has Zim worried. If I could just get out of this cell, I....
Dib pulls on the bars. He grunts as they break. Dib rolls out and the jingle jail collapses.
Dib: Hey!
Dib takes a bite of one of the candy cane bars.
Dib: These are made of real candy cane!
Dib notices Zim approaching and walks over to a nearby Lawn Elf. He grabs its hat, Elf ears, and beard and puts them on. Dib also imitates the creepy smile all of the Lawn Elves have. When the Lawn Elf doesn't react top Dib, Dib shoves it out of the way. Zim walks over to Dib. Dib tries to stand perfectly still. He shakes a little. Zim leans on Dib.
Zim: It's funny, robot Elf. I've never seen you before... but you're the only one I can talk to right now, you know?
Dib nods his head.
Dib: Hmmm... Hmm mmm!
Zim stands up straight and lifts his hand from Dib.
Zim: It all seemed so perfect!
Flashback to Zim's house. Cut to the lab. Zim wears his goggles and holds a large wire. A pile of a Vortian substance rests on a disk.
Zim (v.o.): If there's one thing humans can't resist, it's a fat man with presents! So, I became that fat man!
Zim sticks the wire into the Vortian liquid. It starts to jitter around.
Zim (v.o.): The hardest part was making the Santa suit! I used a Vortian liquid substance.
Zim glances at a monitor that flashes different images of various people dressed as Santa.
Zim (v.o.): Every molecule is a tiny hard drive I filled up with all the Santa data I could find.
The Vortian liquid forms into the Santa suit. The suit waves its arms.
Zim (v.o.): Look at that, that's my favorite part, there he gets all jiggly! Hehe, jiggly!
Time passes. Zim wears his skool child disguise along with a brain interface strip connected to his head.
Zim (v.o.): An ingenious brain interface allows me to command the suit! Thus, I become Santa!
Zim presses a button on the brain interface and the Vortian liquid surrounds Zim and forms the Santa suit around him. The flashback ends.
Zim: But I think I'm losing control. I programmed it too well! 'Cause I'm amazing. And now it thinks it is Santa! Anything Christmasey makes it go crazy! And it takes over, filling me with hideous jolly feelings! I'd destroy it but I need to play Santa 'til I beam humanity to the Tallest as slaves!
Dib: Slaves!?! That's awful!
Dib covers his mouth.
Zim: Isn't it? But if this suit takes over, it'll ruin everything!
GIR walks in, out of disguise.
GIR (singing): We wish you a merry jingly, we wish you a merry jingly, we wish yoooooooooou-
Zim: No, GIR! No!
The Santa suit starts to morph.
Zim: Stop singing! Nooooo!!
The Santa suit makes Zim jolly. He approaches GIR, meaning to hug him.
Zim: Ho ho ho! Little fellow, you're so cute!
GIR: I am!
Dib grabs a large candy cane. He swings it at the Santa suit but it absorbs into it. Zim turns around.
Zim: Wuh-ho ho ho! More Christmas power for Santa!
The Santa suit's gut bulges over and hits Dib. Dib groans as he falls to the floor, his elf disguise falling off except for one of the ears. Dib rubs his side and groans. Zim regains control.
Zim: Dib! Elves! Seize him!
Some Lawn Elves approach Dib.
Zim: This time throw him in the actually strong jingle jail!
The Elves grab him and drag him towards the strong jingle jail.
Dib: Why didn't you throw me in the strong one in the first place?
The jingle jail opens and the Elves toss him in. It closes behind him.
Zim: You can never understand my amazing brain! Hope you like snow, Dib!
Zim presses a button and a trap door under the jingle jail opens. Dib screams as the jingle jail falls and lands on a platform of ice floating in the arctic waters. The Labor Sleigh flies off. A bit of water seeps into the jingle jail.. Dib pulls out his laptop and presses some keys. Cut to Gaz, still hanging on the fence and holding the headless Bitey toy in front of the dog. Gaz groans. Gaz's watch beeps. She looks at it. Back at the arctic, Gaz's face appears on Dib's laptop.
Dib: Gaz! I'm trapped in a frozen wasteland!
Gaz: Who isn't?
Dib: And Zim's posing as Santa and he's gonna take over the world!
Gaz: That's great, Dib. Look, I gotta go.
Dib: Okay, Gaz. I think it's time I told you. The dog's innocent! I used Bitey the Vampire for a teleporter experiment and switched his head onto a fly's body!
Gaz gives a shocked look, the dog barks in surprise, and the Bitey-headed fly sits on a nearby flower.
Dib: So, if you wanna beat me up, you're gonna hafta rescue me first because-
Gaz blasts away the top of the jingle jail with the help of Tak's ship.
Dib: Gaz?
Gaz: Get in.
Dib: Wow! Tak's ship! How did you-?
Gaz pulls Dib in by his hair. The ice slab with the jingle jail sinks into the water. Tak's ship shakes around and Dib yells as Gaz beats him up inside. Cut to the North Pole, where the giant teleporter is being built. Some people carry a large part over to the teleporter. A large clock tower counts down to Christmas. GIR (in dog-elf disguise) stands on a balcony with a megaphone. He motions the workers with his arms.
GIR: Mmm mhmm, a little that way. No, a little back. Good, goood.
An explosion is heard.
Zim: GIR!
GIR runs inside. Zim holds a large screw-like device.
Zim: The teleporter is almost built, GIR!
In the background, a group of workers stop to sing 'jingly bells.'
Zim: This stabilizer should keep the suit from going crazy and ruining the ceremony!
Zim grunts and hold the stabilizer up to his head. The suit begins to morph.
Zim: Nooo! Not the jingly bells!
Zim struggles to remain in control. He picks up the stabilizer and rams it into the head of the suit. Sparks fly and Zim regains complete control. Zim walks over to the balcony.
Zim: Enough jolly! Back to work, all of you! Christmas is almost here! The masses are coming! I need that teleporter!
Tak's ship flies along the icy landscape. Dib is beaten up and no longer wears the elf ear.
Dib: I can't believe it! I finally fixed it! I'm actually flying in my own alien ship!
Gaz: You fixed it!?!
Dib: Well... I fixed most of it!
Dib presses a button and a monitor on the ship's dashboard goes from static to an image of Professor Membrane.
Dib: Dad! I need your help!
Prof. Membrane: Look son, I'm right in the middle of-
Dib: But it's Santa! He's-
Prof. Membrane: Santa!?!
Dib: He's evil! And he wants to annihilate all mankind!
Prof. Membrane: I knew this day would come! Son, I'm giving you full access to the anti-Santa arsenal I made when I was a child!
Tak's ship flies over a small piece of land among the ice with a huge stone Membrane head sculpture sticking out of it. The words 'MEMBRANE friend of the world enemy of Santa Claus' are written in stone.
Prof. Membrane: Good luck destroying Santa! And merry Christmas.
Cut to the North Pole, where a Labor Sleigh joins two that are already there. A large crowd of people has gathered. More exit the Labor Sleighs. The clock reads '10 MINUTES TO X-MAS.' MiniMoose (with bells and red nose) floats up to a microphone on the stage. He squeaks and the crowd cheers.
Zim: Hehehehe.. Well said, MiniMoose.
MiniMoose floats away as Zim approaches the microphone.
Zim: people of Earth! The teleporter is ready! So get inside it, hurry up!
Crowd member (trying not to cry): But Santa! It's Christmas Eve! Aren't you gonna sing Christmas carols?
The Santa suit begins to distort until the stabilizer absorbs the jolliness.
Zim: No! No more singing! Time to teleport!
One person in the crowd rises up.
Crowd member: And aren't you gonna give us any presents?
Zim: There's plenty of presents for you in the teleporter!
Zim knocks down the microphone.
Zim: Now go!
Another person in the back of the crowd runs towards the teleporter holding some kind of stuffed animal.
Person: Wheeeeeee!!!
He trips at the rim of the teleporter and the stuffed animal bounces onto it. It is teleported. Cut to the Massive. The Tallest eat some popcorn. The stuffed animal is suddenly teleported in front of them, surprising them and making them drop their popcorn. Cut back to the North Pole. A cute child in the front row talks to Zim.
Adorable child: But, Mr. Santa, before I go to my doom, can I have a hug!?
Zim: Huuuh!?!
Zim starts to back up. Zim groans. The suit begins to distort.
Zim: Child... so cute! I'm infested! Must resist! No! Nooo!!!
The stabilizer pops out. Zim backs up. Zim's face turns around to the back of the suit, and the suit turns around to align with the face a moment later. The suit's arms stretch down and pick up the child, then bring her back to Zim.
Zim: Of course you can have a hug, you cute little woogy!
Zim spreads his arms out, sending the child flying.
Zim: And lets all sing more songs!
Zim dances on the stage.
Zim: I am Santa! I am Santa!
The Santa suit covers over Zim's face.
Zim: Nooo!!!
Zim's voice is muffled. Zim's face is replaced by an actual Santa face. Inside the suit, Zim floats around in a void among presents, candy canes, and other Christmas items. Zim's voice is distorted.
Zim: Help! It's all lost. There's no way I can get out of this suit now! The Santa has won.
Santa suit: Ho ho ho ho ho.
Cut to the outside of the suit. The Santa suit sings 'ho ho ho' to the tune of 'jingle bells.' GIR drags out a sack of presents. The Santa suit tosses them to the crowd. A particularly large present crushes a man. Dib flies over the crowd in a large mech suit which lands at the back of the crowd. GIR makes an impressed noise.
Dib: Zim! Your Christmas time is up!
A compartment in the chest of the mech opens up and a laser pops out. Dib presses a button labeled 'CANNON' and the laser fires. It hits the Santa suit and pushes it back, as well as destroying part of the stage. The crowd murmurs. The Santa suit lies limp in the snow. It suddenly jerks awake with a demonic look on its face as it absorbs various Christmas items into itself. Huge candy cane spider legs emerge from the ice. The Santa suit begins to emerge, expanding and becoming gigantic in size.
Santa suit: Malfunction overload! Ho ho ho! You've been a bad little boy!
The Santa suit's arms are replaced by candy cane-colored tentacles that merge together into a pair of candy cane hooks.
Santa suit: Now Santa is going to destroy you!
The Santa suit leaps over the crowd and over to Dib's mech. Dib falls backwards. The Santa suit swipes one of its candy cane claws at Dib. Dib grabs the controls and moves the mech out of the way just in time. The Santa suit instead hits the teleporter. The crowd scatters out of the way of the falling debris, except for 45. The Santa suit swings its claws again and breaks off the laser cannon of the mech.
Hunchback woman: Rough him up real good, Johnny! Yeah!
Dib pushes a lever and a laser emerges out of the part of the mech modeled after Membrane's hair. The laser suits the Santa suit, creating thick smoke. The candy cane hooks pop out of the smoke as the Santa suit lunges at Dib's mech while roaring. The suit's tongue pops out with multiple prongs at the tip which make grabbing motions at Dib. Dib presses a button and treads appear under the mech's feet. Dib pushes some levers and the mech begins to roll, pinning the suit against a wall. Inside the suit, Zim is awakened. The Santa suit roars. Two large canisters on the mech aim at the Santa suit and open up, revealing a large amount of missiles. Dib presses a button and they all fire at the suit. The suit screams. Zim screams as he starts to flow out of the suit. He falls out of a stream of liquid pouring out of a hole punctured into the Santa suit.
Zim: Heh? The suit is weakened! Excellent!
Zim presses a button on his brain interface and the suit shrinks down to a toy-sized object. Zim kicks it into the mech's hand.
Zim: Now, Dib! Throw it into space!
Dib presses a button and the mech's hand closes into a fist. The fist aims upwards and shoots off into space.
Dib: I did it! Christmas is saved!
Crowd member: Hey! That boy threw Santa into the cold void of space!
Kap'n Claw: Chwismas is wuined fowever.
Dib: Wait! Would the real Santa have mutated into a horrible blob?
The crowd glance at each other and murmur.
Dib: And would Santa have teleported you into space? You were so desperate for a real Santa that you believed a monster in a costume! That's not Christmas! Go home! Forget about this! And spend time with your families... er whatever.
Crowd member: The giant metal boy is right!
Crowd member: What fools we've been!
Zim (o.s.): Wait!
The crowd looks over at the broken teleporter, where Zim, GIR, and MiniMoose stand, all in Platypus costumes.
Zim: Will you listen to the evil robot boy who destroyed Santa, or will you listen to... the Easter Platypus?
Zim begins throwing shrimp from a basket into the crowd.
Zim: Easter shrimp for all if you tackle the boy who destroyed Santa!
Crowd: Easter Platypus, we love you!
Dib climbs down from the mech and sees all the crowd members looking at him angrily.
Dib: No! No! Wait!
The crowd members tackle Dib. Dib screams and mutters.
Zim: Well, my evil mission was a success.
GIR: No it wasn't!
Zim: Silence! And, uh, merry Platypus one and all!
GIR: Yaaay!
GIR falls over. MiniMoose squeaks. Cut to Mr. Sludgy 2 million years in the future.
Mr. Sludgy: That's the story of the most horrible Christmas ever! But Zim and Dib were wrong that day! Santa wasn't destroyed. Santa lives on.
Child: In the hearts and minds of us all? Hm!
Mr. Sludgy: No! In space! Gathering power! And every Christmas he returns to Earth-
The children cower and huddle together.
Mr. Sludgy: -and that's why we all live in this protective dome!
Red lights flash and alarms ring. Mr. Sludgy looks out the window.
Mr. Sludgy: Looks like Santa's here! Raise the shields, children!
A dome covers the city just as the Santa suit lands on it, now covered in hair. It growls and gnaws on the dome. A giant plate of cookies and a giant glass of milk rise from the ground outside the city. The Santa suit grabs a cookie and dips it into the milk, then eats it. It then growls.